From: Cruella De Ville Newsgroups: alt.support.depression Subject: Games I play when I'm bored. I've learned so much since I've moved here to BFE CA. They have these really great games that everyone is town can play. I just started and I'm so excited I can hardly wait to share these games with all of you. Some of these games require the use of a automobile but some can just be played with other people. The first game is called I'm an Asshole. You get in your car and drive to the freeway. Proceed up the on-ramp and try to merge going no more than 5 MPH. This is really fun if there are a lot of cars behind you. When and if you make it onto the freeway go really fast. The speed limit is 65 so try to go 70-75 in the fast lane. Wait until there are impatient people trying to go faster behind you....then slam on the brakes and come to a complete stop. If you have a polaroid camera you can take pictures of peoples faces as they spin into the next lane and frantically try to steer to avoid hitting the other cars. Use these pictures on your Christmas cards. When people honk and scream at you get really irate and flip them off, call them assholes. It's really fun. Now get off the freeway and drive to a main road. Go ten miles under the speed limit until you come to a stoplight that has just turned yellow, wait three seconds and then step on the accelerator and zoom through the now red light. Repeat this at all lights you come to. In between lights you should EITHER ignore the fact that your car comes equipped with turn signals and turned suddenly and randomly OR put on the opposite signal than the way you wish to turn. People like this game here, you will get all kinds of encouraging gestures. Remember when you turn left to pretend there is no turn lane and come to a complete stop. Waiting until all the good opportunites to turn have passed then try to squeeze in a tiny spot between speeding cars. Wave thanks very cheerfully when they squeal to a halt inches from your passenger side door. People are so polite here. Come to a four way stop and pretend you don't remember who gets to go. Sit there until many people have gone and someone sstarts waving for you to go. Signal how polite you are by waving back at them. With any luck the line of cars behind you will be blocking the intersection a ways back and you will be receiving honks of praise for your skill at playing this game. Drive to the grocery store. Fill your cart with things that preferably don't have bar codes or prices. Get about 32 items into your cart then go to the cash only 9 items or less line. Write a check. Neglect to put your phone number or drivers license on the check so they have to ask to see it. Fumble with wallet for ten minutes. Pull out your bank card, video membership card, insurance card, pictures of your sister, pictures of your dog, old receipts, student ID, library card and Costco card. Next drive downtown and double park for a half an hour on every block. Try to take up the whole lane and always double park in front of empty parking spots. Sit in car and read newspaper. Drive around a parking lot and park behind people who just pulled in a space. Pretend you thought they were leaving. Wait until they reach the entrance of the store before looking exasperated and driving to the next person. As you can see this is wonderful town to live in. I bet you wish you lived here. I've got to go now.... my rocket launcher just arrived via UPS....I have to go install it on the hood of my car.