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                              AIRLINE DICTIONARY
                                       
    
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   The airline industry, like any other, has a specialized dictionary.
   These are words and phrases that are used commonly by airline
   employees for which the meanings may not be obvious to outsiders. 
   
   At great personal risk on an undercover sting operation, I was able to
   procure this dictionary. Now I present it to you with no thought to my
   personal safety in the interest of academic freedom. 
   
   Remember folks, "If it ain't Boeing, I ain't going!" 
   
   Air Traffic Control 
          A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers.
          The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played,
          but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for
          passengers to make connecting flights. 
          
   Baggage Claim 
          The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually
          hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area." 
          
   Carry On Bag 
          An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to
          fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight.
          Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not
          acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks,
          refrigerators , truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs. 
          
   Flight Schedule 
          An entertaining work of paperback fiction. 
          
   Fog 
          A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an
          airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is
          controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights. 
          
   Group 
          A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling
          together. The group leader, who has the tickets,usually waits
          in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes
          before departure, or until there are no seats left together,
          whic hever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form
          pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them. 
          
   No-Record 
          Any passenger booked through a travel agency. 
          
   Non-Revenue Position 
          Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are
          in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant
          uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class
          free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being ab le
          to pay first class passenger charges. 
          
   On Time 
          An obscure term, meaning unknown. 
          
   Passenger 
          A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found
          in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent
          in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or
          confused these creatures collect into a group called a "l ine."
          This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in
          inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species:
          Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
          
   Position Closed 
          This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when
          interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here." 
          
   Pre-Board 
          Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before
          departure. 
          
   Sign 
          An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small
          children. Its primary function is to hide the location of
          various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms,
          baggage claim, etc. 
          
   Ticket Agent 
          A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability
          of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller,
          the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and and the tact of a
          diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/
          snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of
          answering three questions at one time, while talking on the
          phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. Later
          in life they sit in parks carrying on mysterious conversations
          with themselves. 
          
   Voluntary Oversale 
          A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off
          the flight. 
          
    
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   Kai Holst  
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