COLLEGE NEWS
                                       
    
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                               College News

Dear Parent(s),                                       Date:  ______________

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of 
interest to both of us.

Please send:

  __   Money (Cash)!     Amount:   _________________________
  __   Food (Cookies)!   Dozens:   ___________
  __   Clean clothes!

Relationships:

  __   What?
  __   I am in love with myself
  __   I am in love!
  __   I am engaged
  __   I got married last weekend

My Roommate:

  __   Worships the ground I walk on
  __   Gave me a black eye
  __   Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
  __   Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
  __   Has fleas

My Professors are:

  __   Sadistic water walkers
  __   Mental institution escapees
  __   Brain dead nerds
  __   Super oxygen thieves

Latest News:

  __   I wrecked the car
  __   I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
  __   You are going to have a grandchild
  __   False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild

Food:

  __   Is great!
  __   Even makes me appreciate your cooking
  __   I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Health:

  __   I have gained _____ pounds
  __   My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
  __   My HIV test was:   _____ positive     _____ negative (check only one)
  __   I died yesterday!

Grades:

  __   I am making all A's
  __   I am not being properly challenged
  __   I will be home after this semester

I study:

  __   Night and day
  __   All the time
  __   80 hours a week
  __   Only on Sunday afternoon
  __   None of the above

Daily Devotions:

  __   I read my Bible everyday
  __   I can't read
  __   Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:

  __   My glasses
  __   My paper that was due yesterday
  __   The clothes you washed for me
  __   My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
  __   The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
  __   Other _____________________________________________

     Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

Laundry:

  __   My white underwear is now _________________
  __   I am saving money by not using detergent
  __   Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
  __   I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:

  __   Can pass your "white glove" test
  __   Is only _____% full
  __   Could not be located last Saturday night
  __   Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Parties:

  __   I don't inhale
  __   I only go to meet people
  __   Haven't been to one since this morning

Hope you:

  __   Miss me
  __   Can live without me
  __   Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:

  __   Your Daughter, 
  __   Your Son, 
  __   Yours,


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